In the Sacred Scriptures God makes constant use of words and images to highlight for us His divine—and therefore unfailing—prescription for a happy life, including a happy married life. God cares about our happiness, often more so than we do ourselves.
In Matthew’s Gospel Jesus tells us: “Every one who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house upon the rock; and the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat upon that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And every one who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house upon the sand” (Matt. 7:24-26). His words are clear. We must build the house of our life, including married life, on Christ, His teachings, and the sacraments through which He acts. Jesus did not say He would build this house for us. That is our task. He will not do the job for us, but at least we know how to go about it; and He will not deny us His help. Even sociological studies bear out this prescription. We have cited these studies before. The successful marriage, they say, is one in which God is taken seriously. Why is this so? Because God is love. God is the source of marital love. You have to be close to the source to be able to draw from it constantly.
Cooperation with grace
One of our readers sent us a very bitter letter. Here is an excerpt: “You talk of love, of young people’s various experiences in this area, and of sexual intimacy. I recently turned fifty and have twenty-nine years of married life behind me. I do not agree that church-sanctified marriages guarantee true love. A wedding vow is one thing, and life quite another. Everything looks rosy when you dream about it before marriage or read about it in books. After the wedding, love disappears. What remains is the sexual exploitation of the wife by the dominating husband. Affection and intimacy disappear, and the wife becomes chattels purchased through the sacrament of marriage. Her role consists in raising the children, keeping house, satisfying the husband’s sexual wants, and working for wages. In defense of their “rights,” men have the sacrament of marriage. I know whereof I speak, and it comes not only from my own experience. Most other marriages I know have the same experience. I will not describe these nightmares that began with such high hopes before the church altar. Women are constantly being blamed for everything, including abortion, while men are saints and remain above it all.”
The letter raises several important points that require discussion. Here I will focus on just one of them. The reader struggles with doubts (as do many today) about the value of the sacrament of marriage. God intended marriage to be a community of love and consequently a source of happiness for both husband and wife. Why, then, does it become a source of degradation, suffering, and humiliation? Did God make a mistake? Was there something wrong in His plan? God does not make mistakes; nor does He disappoint. It is man who disappoints. Alas, despite God’s will, some couples build themselves an antechamber to hell, where they could be building themselves an antechamber to heaven.
The letter is a good illustration of what the Catechism of the Catholic Church states in its chapter on the sacrament of marriage: “Every man experiences evil around him and within himself. This experience makes itself felt in the relationships between man and woman. Their union has always been threatened by discord, a spirit of domination, infidelity, jealousy, and conflicts that can escalate into hatred and separation” (CCC, 1606). The Catechism goes on to say, “the disorder we notice so painfully does not stem from the nature of man and woman, nor from the nature of their relations, but from sin…” (1607). By this is meant original sin. Sin, according to the Biblical account, destroyed the pristine relationship between man and woman (Gen. 3:12). Does this mean, then, that marital relations are doomed to failure? Not at all: “To heal the wounds of sin, man and woman need the help of the grace that God in his infinite mercy never refuses them. Without his help man and woman cannot achieve the union of their lives for which God created them ‘in the beginning’” (CCC, 1608). God never denies us His graces. He imparts them chiefly through the sacraments. The sacrament of marriage was instituted to perfect marital love and strengthen unity. “The grace of the sacrament thus perfects the human love of the spouses, strengthens their indissoluble unity, and sanctifies them on the way to eternal life” (CCC, 1661). “In a Christian marriage the spouses are strengthened and, as it were, consecrated for the duties and the dignity of their state by a special sacrament” (CCC, 1638). In other words, the sacrament of marriage was instituted precisely so that love should not “disappear” after the wedding, that there be no “sexual exploitation of the wife by the dominating husband,” that the wife not be treated as bought “chattels,” and that there be no “nightmares.” Such things do occur in many marriages. But why is that? Because there has been a lack of cooperation with the graces of the sacrament! Blessed John Paul II put it this way: “Because of original sin, man lives in a state of hereditary sinfulness and easily strays into personal sin if he does not cooperate with the grace that God offered to man through the redemption accomplished by Christ” (Rome, November 4, 1986). So there you have it. We have to cooperate with grace. Both husband and wife have to cooperate with grace. It is not enough to stand before the priest and say the sacramental words: “I take you to be my lawfully wedded husband or wife … I vow to love you…” and then expect things to fall into place as in the guests’ wedding card greetings. God will not do it for us, though He will support our every good effort. His support is essential. Without Him, we can do very little.
Community of love
Love is a fundamental and innate human calling. Why? Because every human being has been created in the image and likeness of God, who is love itself. We are happy only to the degree that we realize this calling. Blessed John Paul II stated it even more clearly: “Man cannot live without real love” (Sandomierz, Poland, June 12, 1999). Man cannot live without authentic love! Now consider the words of Saint John: “He who does not love abides in death” (1 Jn 3:14). What then is real love? How to obtain it since my happiness depends on it and I cannot live without it? Do I love or am I abiding in death? Alas, on these terribly serious questions we make precious little reflection.
Modern man seems to consider work as his only serious occupation. After work he seeks amusement. Such is the rhythm of his life. Reflection on the most important questions of his existence stands outside this rhythm. He desires love and happiness; yet he does not stop to think how to achieve them. He takes little interest in what he is like as a person and how he might be. He is more interested in how much and what he has and how much and what he might have. He is less inclined to seek the truth about himself and his life and feverishly seeks the truth about things. He is always ready to perfect things and yet unwilling to perfect himself. All this bears its stamp on the quality of his life. We have increasingly more things, and yet ‘having’ is not a guarantee of happiness. Happiness comes from somewhere else.
The love of a man and a woman is a special kind of love. God created within them the potential for the closest and most intimate of all earthly attachments. They are two mutually complementary beings. They differ from each other physically, psychologically, and spiritually in such a way that in the merging of these complementary traits they find their completion. They desire this completion. Generally speaking, the woman is attractive to the man (and vice versa) not only physically, but also psychologically and spiritually.
Whence comes this “real love”—this love that is “patient and kind [that] does not insist on its own way [that] is not irritable or resentful” (1 Cor. 13:4-6)? It is above all a reaction to the other person’s qualities: goodness, kindness, self-control, purity, generosity, diligence, trust, etc. Love is the experience of delighting in the beauty of that person. The person is beautiful because of these qualities. If this delight is limited to the other’s physical beauty, the love will be superficial.
Every person is a unique being. The Creator does not repeat Himself. The peculiar charm and inner beauty of a person touches another, and this other begins to experience love. The somewhat trite expression “we were made for each other” can be experienced in a very authentic way. In fact, it must be experienced. A man needs to find the woman whom God created and intended for him, and in turn be found by the woman. Or, putting it another way: I must find that person who completes me as does no other (which does not at all mean differences of character, temperament, interests, etc.). The best reason for entering into marriage is the love that flows from the conviction that I am marrying the woman whom God intended for me and that I am the man whom God intended for her. The authenticity of such a love has to be tested—through thought and reflection. Only in such a union—a union planned by God—will the couple feel that they are where they should be. Only such a union establishes that bond of intimacy, affection, and depth which is unattainable with any other person.
Love alone may make marriage desirable, but it does not establish the union. The community of love between a man and a woman becomes an objective reality with the celebration of the sacrament of matrimony. After a period of reflection, discernment, and preparation, the couple decide once and for all to give themselves to each other, totally and irrevocably, taking God, representatives of the Church, and members of the community as witnesses to the sincerity of their decision. This is not a decision made lightly, on the spur of the moment, under the impulse of sudden emotion, etc. It is a carefully considered resolution. The couple consummate this resolution through their most intimate physical union. The unity of souls and hearts is affirmed and consummated in the union of their bodies.
The marital union begins when the couple formally express their irrevocable decision to love each other. Someone might object, you cannot promise your feelings. Feelings come and go; they change. Quite right. But love is not just an emotion. Love is caring for the good of the spouse and the common good. The marital vow is a promise to protect and foster this love which the married couple have for each other. They are able to foster their love because it depends on their will.
Threats to love
Love, like any other precious commodity, can be lost. This leads either to divorce or reducing the marriage to a social arrangement by which the spouses render each other certain limited services. The wife carries out the functions of a housemaid or courtesan; in return she obtains marital status and receives allowances of greater or lesser amounts. To satisfy the desires of his wife, the husband may have to work like an ox; in return he receives the sexual services of his wife, etc. What is especially terrible is that such arrangements also occur in sacramental marriages.
There are all kinds of reasons for remaining in the married state. Even so-called good marriages can persist for reasons having nothing to do with love. God wants great things for us; and He is ready to help us accomplish these great things. But do married couples want these things?
What are the greatest threats to marital love? A common one is a lack of awareness that love is a demanding task—a life-long one. The wedding is not the end of the road or an arrival at a port of destination. It marks the end of a stage in life and the beginning of another. We cannot be passive. Differences of character, faults, weaknesses, financial hardship, parental responsibilities—all these things require a constant struggle with our selfishness that we may develop all those qualities that strengthen the marital community—patience, understanding, forgiveness, trust, etc.
How many young married couples seriously ask themselves the question, “What contributes to our unity?” What can I do in this regard?” “Which aspects of my character build up our marital community, and which weaken it?” All too often people consider only what our pop-culture suggests: namely, that good sex makes good love. Not necessarily! Sex may build up the marital union, but it can just as easily destroy it, as happened in the case of our reader. It builds up when it springs from true love and is ordered to moral principles; it destroys when this is not the case.
Love demands that we work on ourselves (getting ourselves settled in life is important, but not the most important). The task of working on ourselves is best aided by the sacrament of penance. After our relationship with God, our relationship with our spouse should be the first object of an examination of conscience. We need to ask ourselves what this relationship is like. Did I sin against marital love? What weakness of mine should I work on in particular? etc. An examination of conscience needs to be made on our own account, not our spouse’s. Confession is the most effective means of overcoming our faults. Can a husband who goes to confession regularly and treats confession seriously (it means a resolution to make amends) treat his wife like bought chattels?
Another threat to marital love is a lack of awareness that “love is of God” (1 Jn 4:7). By remaining in a state of sin, a couple close themselves off from God, who is love. They close themselves off from Love; they no longer draw from the Source of Love. Sin is the greatest threat to marital love.
Remaining in sin can be the result of a weak faith: a faith weakened through lack of nurturing. Faith, like love and other precious commodities, requires fostering. Faith can easily degenerate into some vague and trite declaration that God exists. We must actively seek out God; form a personal relationship with Him in daily prayer. This requires a labor of the heart. Without the nourishment of daily prayer, the sacraments, and scripture reading, faith will not grow. Faith is a striving to know Christ—to meet Christ. It is an effort to live for Him and in accordance with His teachings.
Faith transforms love. There is a huge gulf separating the union of a strongly believing couple and that of a couple who do not believe or whose faith is weak. Until we see ourselves and others as created in the image of God, endowed with immortal souls and destined for eternal life, we will not grasp the true dignity and greatness of our humanity. Such awareness imparts new depth and new perspective to love. We no longer love our spouse for some selfish motive but out of consideration for God and His commandments. In a love imbued with faith, the desire for the good of the spouse takes on the wider perspective of man’s eternal salvation—his and hers. Working together to gain eternal life becomes the hub of marital love. St John Chrysostom described this love as follows: “I have taken you in my arms and love you more than my life. For, the present life is nothing, and my most earnest desire is that we shall not be separated even in the life that is being prepared for us.” What great mutual respect must permeate the love of the spouses when they strive together for eternity! Can a husband who truly believes in eternal life and the Judgment preceding it, “exploit his wife sexually”? Can such a man make her life a “nightmare”? Can he treat his wedding vow, which he made before God, in such a way that “a vow is one thing, and life quite another”?
Some practical pointers
Our reader’s letter is a warning to those preparing themselves for marriage. What should I do to ensure the success of my marriage? Can I protect myself from an unhappy marriage? Celebrating the wedding in the month of June or August guarantees nothing. Nor does showering the newlyweds with rice, coins, etc., or any other superstitious practice. (I fear that for many couples “church weddings” also enter into this category.) Superstitious beliefs are unworthy of Christ’s disciples. So here are a few principles for your consideration. A great deal may depend on it:
Foster your faith and perfect yourself in faith. The better person we become, the more fully we are able to love and the more lovable we become ourselves. We are pleasing not only to God (this should be our primary reason for striving for perfection), but to people as well.
Ask yourself if the man or woman you are to marry has a strong faith. This question should be addressed to yourself, not to him or her. It is easy to see if someone has a lively faith or if it consists in a lifeless declaration. Prayer especially is proof of a strong faith. Those who pray earnestly make a regular confession and work on themselves.
Remain uncompromisingly chaste for marriage. A man’s conduct in this area is a clear indicator of what he is like, how strong his faith is, or whether he is at all capable of loving. Love “is not arrogant or rude … does not insist on its own way” (1 Cor. 13:5). Persuasion, persistence, and emotional blackmail in this area are sure signs of a man lacking in self-control. He may even be sexually addicted. He is a poor candidate for a husband. He may well end up “exploiting his wife sexually.” Where lust has enslaved a man there is no chance of real love. A woman who takes her virtue lightly is a bad candidate for a wife. No doubt she takes Christ’s teaching lightly in other matters as well. At best, her faith is weak. It is doubtful she will want to build marital life “to scale.”
Pray constantly for a good husband or wife, remembering that this does not absolve you of the need to think and judge for yourself. The first man or woman to arouse your deeper feelings and desire for a life together is not necessarily the one God intends for you.
And if you already find yourself in a failed marriage? Whatever you do, do not lose hope. Change is possible. Strive for it, while praying in trust and perseverance to God for help. For with God nothing is impossible.