“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand fast therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery” (Gal. 5:1).
My name is Jacek and I am a sexoholic. By this I mean I am addicted to lust—to an uncontrollable, destructive desire that predisposes me to various addictive attitudes and sexual behaviors such as masturbation, consumption of pornography, sick love relationships, emotional dependence on people (especially women), voyeurism, lustful girl-watching, etc. etc.
It was March of 2008. Before me lay two issues of Love One Another Magazine containing the two-part personal witness account of a sexoholic named Paul entitled “From Darkness to Light.” I had read it over several times. A lot of the author’s experiences struck very close to home, and I identified completely with a good many others. I had had enough of my compulsive habit of masturbation to which I succumbed several times a week, sometimes twice in a single night. I felt I was losing control of myself. I had recently been to confession and had just succumbed to the habit again. I knew I was unable to meet the sacrament’s basic condition: the resolve to sin no more. So I reached for the phone and called up the addiction support group whose number I found in the magazine. The group’s program was based on the 12-step and 12-tradition program of Alcoholics’ Anonymous as worked out by its founder Bill Wilson (1935).
After talking on the phone with one of the workers, I went to my first Sexoholics’ Anonymous (SA) meeting. It was Monday, 7 April 2008—World Health Day. As a result of joining this group and working on the 12-step program under the guidance of my sponsor, I have had no contact with pornography since September 2008. Since November 2008 I have had no relationship with a woman, and I have not engaged in self-abuse since November 12, 2009. According to SA’s definition of sexual sobriety, sex is allowed only within marriage, which is understood as a union between one man and one woman; any sexual act prior to or outside of marriage, including solitary practices such as masturbation, fantasizing, and consumption of pornography is a breach of this definition. Thus I have been able to live a chaste life, free from active addiction. This had been my great dream for many years—the deep desire of my sinful, lust-bound heart. “Blessed are the pure of heart,” said Jesus, “for they shall see God” (Matt. 5:8).
My story
My addiction may have arisen from an emotional deficit in my childhood: an insufficient experience of love in my family. The fact that a grown-up man abused me sexually when I was a child may also have had something to do with it. But I also had a hand in developing my addiction, so I too bear a share of the responsibility. I discovered self-abuse accidentally at the age of fifteen. It soon became a source of strong and pleasurable experiences. I was not immediately aware it was wrong; but neither was I in any hurry to forego the pleasures. I remember delaying in going to confession since I enjoyed the practice so much. I do not know at what point the habit became an addiction.
At the age of fifteen I also experienced my first “great love.” A girl caught my fancy at a school dance. She was more than three years older than I—the friend of a girl in my class. And so, at the initiative of this eighteen-year-old girl, I entered my first dependent relationship, which lasted for several years. Later on I would have several more such relationships. In each case I was emotionally dependent. I did not feel free in the matter. Later I would discover that I was seeking a mother in these women. I was excessively attached to my mother.
In my heart I felt an emotional emptiness, a lack of affection, intimacy, and tenderness—in a word, love. My self-abuse only sharpened this emotional-sensual-spiritual hunger. I would “fall in love” with one girl after another then, driven by some inner compulsion, enter into a dependent relationship with her. These “attachments” did not last long—a few months at the most. Often the woman would stop seeing me after a month. Each time I suffered great pain over the rejection and I promised myself I would never enter into such a friendship again. But then a few months later I would again fall under another’s charms and form a closer relationship, which sooner or later would end in disaster. I should stress here, however, that by the grace of God, I never had sex with these girls.
After a while masturbation stopped giving me pleasure; it became an increasingly sterile practice. This led me to seek out erotic material on TV and, later, pornography on the Internet. My addiction got worse.
Consequences of addiction
The consequences were terrible: feelings of inferiority, shame, remorse, sinfulness, impurity, etc. I suffered from scrupulosity, and the matter of self-abuse made it all the worse. The fact that I could not live according to my avowed principles and values (i.e. live chastely) caused me no end of distress.
I felt isolated and alone. I indulged my addiction secretly, behind closed doors, which led to my focusing excessively on myself—to self-centeredness and selfishness. I found it more and more difficult to form and maintain friendships. I am shy by nature; my addiction only increased this tendency. I had no friends. My interpersonal relations were shallow. Even with girls I could not establish and maintain good relationships.
Emotionally and financially, I was unable to live independently. I lived with my parents. For the longest time I was unable to find a steady job. I took on whatever odd job I could find. It wasn’t until I was 34 years old that I finally left home and began working in my profession. I tend to be indecisive even now; but then even the simplest of decisions, not to mention more serious ones such as whether I should continue my studies or change jobs, exceeded my abilities.
I escaped from my problems by spending money thoughtlessly and by overeating. Before seeking help, I was 18 kilograms overweight. Now that I have stopped my addictive behaviors and am working on myself, I have shed that excess weight, a fact that delights me very much.
I still have a whole range of weaknesses connected with my addictions, e.g. emotional instability, indecisiveness, difficulty in setting limits, a relatively low level of communicativeness. These weaknesses prevent me from functioning properly in society and at work.
There have been all kinds of other consequences. The most serious of these is that I am still not ready to undertake marriage. Other recovering addicts tell me you have to have stopped all your addictive behaviors for at least a year before you can think seriously about marriage. Well, I’ve been sexually sober for eighteen months, and still I do not feel ready to consider it. But then I am aware that by God’s grace I have been spared a great many other consequences of prolonged active addiction.
Seeking help
I sought help wherever I could find it. I went to see a psychologist. I consulted an expert on psychosexual problems. I went for addiction therapy. None of this helped me stop my addictive behaviors. I cared about my relationship with Jesus and engaged in many spiritual exercises. I prayed the rosary and the chaplet of Divine Mercy. I read Scripture. I practiced spiritual reading, went frequently to confession, attended Mass, received Holy Communion, and went for holy hours of adoration. I completed four weeks of Ignatian exercises. I made walking pilgrimages to Częstochowa and other shrines. I got involved in evangelization groups and took part in healing prayer sessions. At one of these sessions I read a verse from Psalm 102, which showed me how alone I was with my problem: “I am like a vulture of the wilderness, like an owl of the waste places; I lie awake, I am like a lonely bird on the housetop” (Ps. 102: 6-7). In a way, this was quite true. Basically only my confessors knew about my compulsive masturbation and consumption of pornography. They tried to give me advice, but all to no purpose. Still, the above-cited psalm did offer me hope: “But thou, O LORD, art enthroned for ever; thy name endures to all generations. Thou wilt arise and have pity on Zion; it is the time to favor her; the appointed time has come” (Ps. 102: 12-13).
I also joined the Movement of Pure Hearts, a wonderful movement, but as someone who was still in the phase of active addiction, I was unable to live a chaste life without outside help.
I was often told in the confessional that marriage might be a solution to my problem. Other confessors said that my self-abuse would make me unfit for married life. I have to acknowledge the rightness of the latter opinion. (As I mentioned, I am not ready for marriage.) As to the former opinion, in my case (and not only mine), it was clearly mistaken. Alas, marriage rarely solves the problems of the sex addict. All too often it only worsens them while increasing the sufferings of the lust-addict, his wife, and children. The addict very often returns to his addictive practices despite the satisfaction of married sexual intimacy.
God heard my prayer in a way I did not expect. No sudden miraculous healing for me. Instead, I was led to join a community of people sharing the same addictive disease. Initially, my abstinences increased from periods of a few days to a few weeks and even a few months. But after each such period I would fall back into the habit of self-abuse. The easiest thing, I found, was to stop consuming pornography. In November 2008, my fiancée broke off our engagement. I found this to be a real emotional “earthquake.” The event caused me great suffering, since I felt very strongly attached to Mariola; indeed, I was heavily dependent on her. After she broke off the engagement, I went to see her one last time. I thanked her for the happy times we had had together; after that we agreed not to see each other again. The decision seemed necessary for my cure from emotional dependence on women.
The hardest thing to stop was my self-abuse, which was my most deeply ingrained addictive behavior. I understood that I was powerless over sexual lust and that the addiction had conquered me. What I was unable to do, however, was to admit my inability to manage my addiction, and this was the key to recovery (“We admit we are powerless over lust: that our lives have become unmanageable” – Step 1). At length, after a considerable search together, my sponsor and I managed to discover the key to the first step.
Ever since then I spend time on my knees every day acknowledging my powerlessness over lust. I do not have to struggle against it, since Someone Else has already conquered it for me. In this way I am victorious too: by admitting my own powerlessness through God’s grace.
The community has given me the tools to stop my addictive practices. By working on the 12-Step program under the guidance of my sponsor, I have new faith in the possibility of a cure. Once again I have come to believe. Each day I entrust my will and life to Christ. I work on my faults. I strive to make amends for my mistakes. I make frequent examinations of conscience. I pray, seeking God’s will for myself. I help others on the road to recovery, sharing my experience, strength, and hope.
My relations with my parents have noticeably improved. In 2010 I obtained my first long-term job contract, which was a great delight to me. Thanks to the support of my group, I am learning to form relationships with people. I participate in the meetings and join in the socializing that takes place afterwards. I hold my daily telephone conversations, and go on group hiking trips. I even organize them myself—something that would have been unthinkable before.
I continue to go to Mass as often as I can. I receive Holy Communion, make holy hours before the Blessed Sacrament, and read from the Scriptures. At last I can go to confession every month without bearing a huge burden of sin, shame, and remorse, unlike before when I was succumbing to my addictive behaviors and unable to stop them—this despite my greatest efforts. I know now that only God can fill the emptiness inside me. Only He can satisfy my hunger for love and heal my heart; and this He accomplishes mainly, though not exclusively, through our support group for addicts.
Great is the mercy of the Triune God! Glory to Him forever! Blessed are You, Lord, for You are great and holy, rich in grace, faithfulness, and compassion. You take pity on the sinner and always stand ready to forgive him, to help him, raise him up, and heal him, because You love us as no one else can. You heard my cries and responded to me with tenderness. Your Holy Spirit led me to where I could receive the help and support I needed—this through the mediation of suffering people who experience Your healing love.
Son of God, You who died for me and rose from the dead that I might live free from sinful lust in the joy of a child of God! You, Jesus, sent Your Holy Spirit to free souls who find themselves enslaved by addictions. Glory to You forever! Amen.
Jacek, a sex addict
For more information about Sexoholics Anonymous contact:
Sexoholics Anonymous International
Central Office
P.O. Box 3565
Brentwood, TN 37024, USA
E-mail: saico@sa.org
Phone: (615) 370-6062
Toll-free: (866) 424-8777
Fax (615) 370-0882