I come from a normal, loving family. At home, there were never any pornographic magazines or films about. I never so much as held a porn magazine in my hand. So I find it hard to understand how I fell into the sin of impurity. Perhaps it was set off by some image I saw on television or in a women’s magazine. I do not remember. What I do remember is that it happened before I made my First Holy Communion.
I began to realize I was committing sin a year or two before my Confirmation. It was then that I came across your magazine. I took the testimonies to heart, and the truth they told; namely, that God was present in our lives, actively so, and that we could to go Him even when we have strayed far from Him. When I read those testimonies, I wished that Jesus would act decisively in my life. But I did not know where He should intervene. Only later did I realize that there was an area of my life requiring His intervention.
At first I would not believe it. I was afraid to admit it. Finally the scales fell from my eyes, and I saw myself as I was: fallen from my pedestal and lying in the mire. I begged Jesus to help me. This happened just as I were preparing for Confirmation. I am sure it was meant to be, since I do not believe in chance. We chose our patron saints. Jesus chose mine—Saint Faustina. It was then also that I first encountered the image of the Merciful Jesus. It made a great impression on me. My Divine Mercy image is now in tatters, since I used it to learn the novena and often fell asleep with it, enjoying the sense of security that it gave me. I remained mired in sin. I went to confession but always presented the problem in very general terms, too fearful of getting to the heart of the matter. I received Holy Communion, though I know now I was committing a sacrilege. I lacked courage to face the truth. I kept repeating, to the point of tedium: “Jesus I trust in you, help me, free me, give me courage.” But nothing changed.
Confirmation was drawing near, and I wanted to experience it in complete freedom. Our retreat came and went, and I still lacked the courage to confess my sin. A day before Confirmation I decided to bite the bullet. I was in a panic. I felt sick and desperately fought off the temptation to fudge it. What I finally received in the confessional was something I never expected: peace and joy.
For a while, I felt free and at peace. But, even though I had freed myself from the sin, the wounds inflicted by it remained, and they continued to make themselves felt. The truth is that masturbation affects the whole person; it is not just the sexual domain affected. It torments you with impure thoughts. You find it hard to look at a boy with chaste eyes. The sin destroys your joy, your optimism, your belief in yourself, your youthful enthusiasm and sense of generosity. It closes you off from people, causing you to become selfish and fearful of others.
Jesus continues to heal me of this addiction. Gradually, He is helping me to be more accepting of myself, to forgive myself for the evil I have committed against myself. He is opening me up to people, and I am no longer fearful. I can walk the school corridors with my head held high.
Last year was a year of purification. It was a period of spiritual trials. Occasionally I relapsed into sin, but Jesus taught me to start afresh each time. I know now that there was sense to my hardships. I have joined the Movement of Pure Hearts. I want Jesus to teach me to love with a chaste heart.
I still find this hard to believe, but Jesus loves us always, even when we say ‘no’ to Him. He waits for us and knocks gently at the door. All we need do is lift the latch. God’s mercy knows no bounds.
Catherine