When it comes to spiritual growth, bitter bread, humiliation, and adversity serve us better than sweet delights and a pleasant state of mind
I am twenty-four years old. I first encountered the problem of impurity when I was twelve. It started with friends telling dirty stories, then with my getting hold of “porno mags”, which in turn led to that first instance of masturbation. At the time it seemed innocent enough. How was I to know it was a serious sin and every bit as addictive as alcohol or drugs?
I have good and caring parents, but discussing problems associated with sex and “becoming a man” was taboo for us. My knowledge about sex in those early years came from “men’s magazines”, television, and my peers. I deliberately use the word “sex” since there was no mention there of love, family, or addiction to self-abuse and other perversions. Only when I got to high school and was preparing for the sacrament of confirmation did I learn that masturbation was a sin. It was then too that my grandmother sent me a copy of Love One Another magazine. For a while it gathered dust on my shelf, but then, as soon as I had read it, I decided to subscribe to it. Now I really had something! The first stirrings of God’s grace—that is what reading your magazine was for me. A landmark event!
At high school I had a very good priest for a religion teacher. I got along very well with him. He helped me a lot, gave me books to read, and talked to me about forgiving others and myself (I was a very angry person then—to the point of hating myself). He helped me in my struggle with my addiction. I had no idea the habit could be so overpowering. Satellite TV, erotic magazines, and other perversions—all these caused me to dwell on myself, to wallow in unimaginable depths of selfishness and self-centeredness. Naturally all this had a negative effect on my relations with my family and those I associated with. I looked upon girls as mere objects for my sexual gratification. On the other hand, there was something else, something that I am unable to explain even now. I had always had a relationship with our Blessed Mother.
At first the Evil One had his way with me. He kept me on his chain and fed me his poison. But in my final years of high school, while coming to think more deeply on matters, I began quite spontaneously to turn to our Blessed Mother. I started to talk to her, ask for her help, healing, and forgiveness. Later on, whenever I heard of a tragedy, conflict, or some other untoward event on TV or the radio, I would recite a prayer for those affected—first one Hail Mary, then several, then whole decades of them. Since making my First Holy Communion I had never yet recited the entire rosary unless I was forced to. Then came the month of October. My grandmother asked me if I wouldn’t mind taking her to church for the rosary service. So began my grand adventure with the rosary. Today I know this prayer is connected with Mary’s special graces and intercession.
The more I trusted in her help and marvelous power, the fiercer my struggle for purity became. For the longest time it was a draw. Now the Mother of God and I would score a victory; now the Evil One. Finally, I made a breakthrough. The long-awaited time of freedom came. The daily rosary, frequent Communion, confession, a busy, well-ordered life—that’s what did it. By God’s grace I began the process of rebuilding my life and growing spiritually. I discovered Carmelite spirituality and took the scapular. My sister gave me a copy of the Book of Psalms; it has since become my inseparable companion—my advisor, my consolation, and my wisdom. The crowning of my spiritual ascent was a visit to Jasna Góra and Taizé.
The Carmelite saints, St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila were right in observing that when it came to spiritual growth bitter bread, humiliation, and adversity served us better than sweet delights and a pleasant state of mind. And so God in His great mercy decided to draw me to Himself through spiritual torment. What a grace! At the time I was unable to understand why I had to undergo such a depression. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me and why I rose in rebellion against my God. I know now that all this was human, earthly reasoning on my part. Only God knows why I was allowed to undergo such torment.
The depression lasted a year. Along with it came sinful failures, feelings of rebellion, accusations, more failures, suicidal thoughts, etc. So-called “morbid voices” whispered in my ear: “Back in our clutches! You are ours!” The Evil One seemed to latch on to my feet, dig his claws into me, so as to take possession of me again. But finally came the month of May and hope revived. I knew our Blessed Mother was with me. She brought me solace. I fled into her arms and was not disappointed.
I still feel the pain of the Evil One’s claws, for I still have to struggle with laziness, discouragement, and temptation. Now and then I succumb to sin, but I go to confession without delay, and I am revived anew.
St. Paul’s words in chapter three of the Letter to the Colossians have become my life’s motto: “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hid with Christ in God. (…) Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: fornication, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry” (Col. 3:1-5). The entire chapter seems to describe my path of conversion and my vocation. My vocation is to have a family. I know true love awaits me; that I shall meet the one I will love. With her I will build a Christian family and so provide a witness to this broken world. I believe Christ and His Mother will triumph in our lives and bless us. Although I am alone now, I do not feel alone.
By cooperating constantly with grace, by fully trusting in the mercy of Christ and His Blessed Mother, by having for allies saints like Padre Pio, Blessed Caroline Kózka, and Maximilian Kolbe, we can do great good not only for ourselves, but also for those around us, and so contribute to the glory of God.
I am very glad that young people throughout the world are joining the Movement of Pure Hearts in ever-greater numbers. It is a great grace for the world—a great witness and hope. As long as we rely on Jesus and His Mother, our triumph is assured. Let us always support one another with our prayers, witness, mutual help, and kindness. Let us be considerate to everybody, even our worst enemies. Most importantly, let us remember to forgive others and ourselves—without delay, irrevocably. That is the basis—the foundation; it is where everything begins, in accordance with God’s will.
Every day I pray the words: “My past, O Lord, I commit to your mercy; my present to your love, and my future into the hands of your providence. Yesterday has passed, and tomorrow is not yet come. I have today in which to love. The Lord is my defender and I shall not fear. What harm can man do me?”
I pray for all those fighting for purity and the triumph of love in their lives. We will not fail! “Yea, by thee I can crush a troop; and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God—His way is perfect; the promise of the LORD proves true; He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him” (Ps. 18: 29-30).
Luke