I Was Poisoning My Life

I understood that the mere desire to live a pure life was not enough. Working hard on oneself every day was essential

I want to warn everyone against pornography. A supposedly innocent type of pornography is making itself felt all around us, not only in newspapers and on the Internet and TV, but also—and increasingly—in advertising, shopping malls, music clips, and so on.

I am a college student. I do not remember when I first started poisoning my life with pornography. At first, I saw nothing wrong with pornographic images or movies; certainly, I never confessed my involvement with pornography. My friends saw porn flicks as a kind of self-education, and masturbation as a way of getting to know one’s own body. I remember our high school health teacher voicing similar opinions; this only confirmed our belief that there was nothing wrong with masturbation.

The years passed, and I wallowed in the mire. I was always on the lookout for more explicit images and stronger sensations. When I finally found out I was committing a grave sin and noticed its effects on my life, I confessed the sin for the first time. Immediately, I felt a sense of peace and joy. But I had no idea how long and dark a road lay ahead of me. Despite a real desire to improve myself and break the habit, I kept falling into sin; but then I would immediately run to Jesus in the confessional. Sometimes I remained pure for weeks, even months, other times, just a few days. I relied too much on myself. “Somehow, I’ll deal with it,” I told myself. But I did not especially avoid occasions of sin. Study kept me at the computer for long stretches at a time. I deluded myself into thinking I could resist the temptations when they arose.

I was carrying a lot of baggage in my life and doing little to address it. I focused all my attention and energy on the fight against my addiction. I believed it was all a matter of willpower, much like quitting smoking. My conceit and selfishness proved my undoing. Despite my best intentions, I increasingly gave into temptation. My behavior disgusted me. My conscience tormented me. I felt empty inside, remorseful, sad. Each time I gave in, I felt I was losing control of myself; that I was trapped in an addiction. Finally, I sought help and discovered the Movement of Pure Hearts, which I joined. Soon afterward I received a copy of LOA magazine. What it had to teach me brought about a change in my heart. I am convinced it was then that the slow but steady process of my conversion and break with sin began.

I thought then that things would become easier for me and that I would soon be free of my problem. But Satan had no intention of letting me off so easily. Blasphemous thoughts, profane, obsessive images crowded into my mind. Whenever my life became stressful, I could find no way of relaxation other than to reach for pornography, as if it were a drug. I had no other coping mechanisms. For a few brief moments I would find release and forget everything, only to feel even worse immediately afterwards. I felt pornography was destroying me from the inside. But I knew Jesus was waiting for me in the Sacrament of Penance and that He loved me dearly. He was not counting my failures; instead, He was waiting for me with open arms, ready to pick me up. He dressed my wounds. He gave me hope when I had none.

As long as we fight, we are winners in Christ’s eyes. Jesus knows we want to break with sin. But the way out of an addiction can be long and painful, depending on how strong a grip it has on us. We must not give up or lose hope. We can always return to the Father, as did the Prodigal Son.

Satan wants to stop us from going to confession. He prompts us to question its value, by telling us how unworthy we are of this sacrament. I reached a point where I saw no end to my enslavement to pornography. Sometimes I would go into a frenzy, like an alcoholic. Before watching pornography, I would experience strange convulsions (“the shakes”). I could not look at a woman without lustful thoughts. I lost complete control of my life. I wasted huge amounts of time and energy feeding on pornographic images. I remember well the morning I woke up and did not have the energy to get out of bed and go to my classes. It was like a paralysis. Then I began to have suicidal thoughts, which really frightened me, because I did have (and still have) people to live for. Clearly, Satan was tormenting me, trying to destroy me by every means possible. He wanted me to lose hope in confession (after all, I was often relapsing into sin right afterwards). He wanted me to question whether I could keep up the struggle and ever lead a normal life. I was afraid of harming other people. I was afraid of myself. I could not accept myself. I found it hard to walk into a church and pray. But I knew it was the only thing that could save me. I became desperate and went to one confession after another. Sometimes I was met with incomprehension. Other times, I felt empty and unforgiven. That was an awful feeling, because I did believe Jesus had forgiven me. I just did not feel it at all. But understanding that Jesus has forgiven you is one thing. Forgiving yourself is another. I was constantly down on myself, wallowing in self-pity. I fell prey to perfectionism. I was wandering in a desert where I had to lose myself before proceeding to the next stage of my healing.

I now thank Jesus for all I have suffered—every cross, every trial of my faith. Without these, I would understand nothing. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before being able to push ourselves up again. When I felt myself completely alone, He was closest to me. He never left me for an instant. He carried me on His shoulders when I had no strength left. He saved my life. I have been pure for eight months now. I thank God for every day lived in a state of purity. But we cannot achieve purity unaided. We need Christ. I cannot say this problem has left me for good. I am weak, and I offer Jesus all my worthlessness. If we want to give up pornography, we have to turn our life around. Above all, we have to avoid those situations where we can readily access pornography.

Last year Jesus invited me to the summer MPH retreat. There I finally understood that the mere desire to live a pure life was not enough. Working hard on oneself every day was essential. For the moment I am spending as little time as possible at my computer. I have installed an Internet filter that blocks pornographic sites. I also avoid newspaper stands and late-night TV. A daily plan is indispensable; we have to make time for prayer, work, and rest. A busy working life followed by strenuous physical exercise at some sport or other gives us no time or opportunity to sin; each night our bodies are tired out from the effort. Besides, sport is a great way to develop character and self-discipline. The Internet is best used for accessing essential information. Instead of using the Internet for relaxation, we can find many other forms of recreation or catch up with our friends.

But the best thing is to go to confession as often as possible. It is the remedy for every weakness and failure. Daily Holy Mass or a regular hour of Adoration are especially to be recommended.  In the Blessed Sacrament, Jesus binds our wounds, fills us with good and noble thoughts, and teaches us to live a pure life. Until recently, I was never aware of how many (very often trivial) activities or habits led me to sin: computer games, aimless surfing of the Internet, alcohol, cutting myself off from people, loneliness, late nights, and tiredness.

Jesus wants to help every one of us. He gives us His love and mercy for nothing. But He expects some effort on our part. We need to make concrete decisions and act on them, rejecting anything that might separate us from Him and lead us into sin. Above all, we can never surrender, even when the going is rough and no solution is in sight. We need to stay with Jesus, entrust to Him our life and all our affairs. He will gather us into His arms and show us the way. Christ is our friend. He wants us to confide in Him. We need to seek His advice and invite Him daily into your lives. We need to trust in Him and be totally His patients in the clinic of the Movement of Pure Hearts.

My own experience has made it easier to understand others. Where I can, I offer my help and advice. Sometimes it is just a matter of lending a sympathetic ear. Christ can bring good out of the worst predicament and suffering. Of this good we may not be aware until much later. He loves us just as we are. He needs us to proclaim and give witness to His Gospel. “My power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor 12: 9). Glory to God!

A LOA reader