When in 2001 I was accepted as a college student in Kraków, I was one happy man. My dreams of studying in the Royal City had come true. The time flew by so fast. With each passing academic year, I would have cause to recall wistfully that all good things passed quickly.
In my third year of studies, I experienced a conversion. It was the most beautiful moment of my life. During a retreat offered by one of the communities of the university chaplaincy, I gave my life to Jesus. I could sense His delight in me. It was such a beautiful experience. For an hour and a half Jesus gave me so many palpable signs of His love, that I was shocked by the sheer generosity of it. I felt overwhelmed by His love. The Lord showered me with His graces, and I felt as if His heart were beating within mine. Day after day, the Savior healed me of all the wounds incurred since the time of my childhood. As if this were not enough, I felt in my heart a calling to the priesthood. This made me all the more aware that the love of Jesus is absolutely free and unselfish!
But then there began a time of trial and struggle, which is so much a part of the spiritual life. Toward the end of my fourth year, I began to experience spiritual darkness. I no longer felt the old consolations. Quite the opposite: I experienced torment and dryness. Going to Holy Mass, to say nothing of Communion, became a supreme effort for me. I felt I was receiving Communion sacrilegiously and that my prayers meant nothing to God. To make matters worse, Satan, who is always the father of lies, began to prompt me with blasphemous thoughts, especially in regard to the purity of the Immaculate Virgin Mary. I judged my spirituality in terms of feelings rather than in terms of fidelity and perseverance.
In my fifth year of studies, while preparing to write my master’s dissertation, I fell into the habit of viewing pornography. I can now testify that the work of Satan begins quite innocently; but its consequences are nothing less than terrifying. In my case too the beginnings seemed all so innocent. Every day I went to work on my dissertation at my cousin’s home. He lived close by and had regular access to the Internet. One day during a break in my work, by way of relaxation, I began viewing dating sites. A seemingly harmless pastime, but…. Every photo of an attractive girl, as yet fully dressed, inflamed my desire to see more. I paid no attention to how far I was going. Within half an hour on the computer I was viewing films of a purely pornographic nature. I remember feeling terrible after that first day. I knew what I was doing was evil, but my personal curiosity and enslavement to the Evil One were so strong that, for the next two weeks or so, instead of working on my dissertation, I did nothing but look at pornography on the Internet. This was pure madness! I felt like one possessed. Instead of exuding love for Jesus, my heart exuded lust.
I was unable to function normally. Every conversation with people became a terrible burden. I could think of nothing to say. My eyes would wander in every direction, because my thoughts were focused on one thing. I felt I had been sucked into a quagmire and lost control of my life. The mania of lust had me in its grip. On seeing an attractive girl in
a public place (a store, the post office, the pharmacy), I imagined myself in a room alone with her and how I would tear off her clothes and do with her what I had “learned” on the Internet.
Now you have an idea of what a person is capable of when he allows sin to rule his life. I felt humbled, broken, and totally dispirited. I knew Satan had scored a victory. At the same time, I knew I had to pick myself up. The worst thing was having to go to confession and own up to my sins before a priest. Though I had my own confessor, I kept hearing the same echo in my soul: “Don’t go to him! He cannot help you. What will he think of you? You, such a Holy Joe, with a vocation to the priesthood—committing such sins!” But I knew I had to overcome this. If you sin, you should also have the courage to own up to it.
When the priest finally pronounced the words of absolution over me, I felt as if Christ were rinsing my heart in His blood. I was freed from the demon’s grip. Since then I have been striving to live a godly life. Needless to say, there have been failures along the way, but after a year of struggle I have freed myself from this habit. But I am deeply aware that I am a sinful person who can fall back into sin at any moment. Our human nature is fallen on account of sin. That is why I do not trust myself. Under no circumstances do I look at girls on the Internet, since I know what this can lead to. Because of my involvement with pornography I had to delay defending my master’s thesis by several months, which in turn resulted in my entering the seminary somewhat later than anticipated.
This story has two parts to it: on the one hand, I am grateful to God for showing me what sin is and what happens to me when I stray from a deep relationship with Jesus; on the other hand, I know what not to do and what not to get into, even though it might seem like a harmless pastime. By sharing my experience here, I want to show what this sin, alas so ubiquitous today, can lead to.
Today I am a profoundly happy man, in love with the Heart of Jesus and trusting in my Lord and Savior. In sincere love, I can state that Jesus, and only Jesus, is our Savior. Only He has the power and strength to wrest us from sin, heal our broken hearts, and lead us to the land of eternal life. A genuine loving relationship with Jesus consists not just in feelings and emotions, but also, and even more so, in personal fidelity and perseverance united with boundless trust.
I am now studying in one of Krakow’s seminaries. God-willing, I hope to be a priest who will proclaim and spread Christ’s Eternal Love and the Good News of His victory over sin and death.
Thomas
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